Battle Of The GOONS!

Battle Of The GOONS!

Welcome to our new show Battle Of The GOONS!, ladies and gentlemen! Nice to see you guys here! It’s a game show to test the skill and brains of our goons. In this first and numero uno episode, please welcome the three lucky hopefuls for the title of the Top Goon. On the left is Mr. Alfred Kepayang, our minister of Buah Kepayang plantation and industrial development. Next is Mr. Lee Han Joke, our rural Dayak arts & comedians’ affairs minister and finally Mr. Willy Ol’ Badak, our minister of MRP showtime resources. Gentlemen, please take your place.

Dyaks: Our first, inaugural question. Complete this line, “If you wear a cawat, then—-?”

(Buzzer) Alfred Kepayang: Then you must not wear pants anymore.
Dyaks: That’s incorrect sir.
(Buzzer) Lee Han Joke: Then you must vote for BN lah!
Dyaks: Correct sir!!
Willy Ol’ Badak: Damn I knew it!
Dyaks: Better fast Willy!

Dyaks: Ok folks. Next question. Who said this quote on Dayaks being displaced by Bakun dam: “As a Dayak, that’s the correct thing to do

(Buzzer) Lee Han Joke: That’s easy! Robbie Mugabe lah!
Dyaks: Sorry sir, it’s wrong. Listen carefully please.
Lee Han Joke: Yeah right! But not necessarily a Dayak also!
(Buzzer) Alfred Kepayang: Not really a pure Dayak so could be Larry Sng?
Dyaks: Sorry sir, it’s wrong also. He is a local Dayak and not from Zimbabwe or elsewhere.
(Buzzer) Willy Ol’ Badak: It’s Masing for sure! (Huh!)
Dyaks: Finally a correct one sir!
Alfred Kepayang: Oh, Masing is a Dayak kah?
Lee Han Joke: Perhaps the cannibal type lah!

Dyaks: Hehehe guys! Next question: What was James Brooke’s job before becoming the White Rajah?

(Buzzer) Willy Ol’ Badak: Sailor!
Dyaks: I’m sorry that is not the answer.
(Buzzer) Alfred Kepayang: Hey!
(Buzzer) Willy Ol’ Badak: Hey!
Dyaks: Alfred?
Alfred Kepayang: Bandar Kuching MP?
Dyaks: Sorry that’s incorrect sir.
Lee Han Joke: Haha! He used to work at Land & Survey office Jalan Badruddin!
Dyaks: Correct sir!
Willy Ol’ Badak: Huh?
Dyaks: James Brooke did work there as opis boy and it’s perfect to plan his ploy against Brunei Sultan from there.

Dyaks: Move on now. When Yang Dikasihi said “Land without development is a poverty trap”, to whom he refer to?

(Buzzer) Lee Han Joke: The lazy Dayaks!
Dyaks: Pfff. Incorrect sir!
(Buzzer) Willy Ol’ Badak: The Chinese?
Dyaks: Oh how thoughtful. Wrong sir!
(Buzzer) Alfred Kepayang: Ah…to the cronies! It’s secret-coded-signal for land-grab!
Dyaks: That’s the right answer you got sir!!
Lee Han Joke: Supposedly the Dayaks. Huh!

Dyaks: Settle down gentlemen. Up next, define state land code of Section 47.

(Buzzer) Willy Ol’ Badak: The right to import AK 47 rifle?
Dyaks: I’m afraid it’s incorrect sir.
(Buzzer) Alfred Kepayang: The right to plant Buah Kepayang in large scale?
Dyaks: Sorry sir that is not correct.
Lee Han Joke: The right to apply 999 years leasehold?
Dyaks: Also incorrect sir.
Alfred Kepayang: Quite tough eh?
Dyaks: No one get the point here. It’s the license for state govt’s to land-grab any lands developed or undeveloped without any question asked.
Willy Ol’ Badak: Really? That’s the best law I’ve heard in years!
Lee Han Joke: That’s why James Brooke like to work at Land & Survey office!
Dyaks: I guess sir!

Dyaks: Right folks. Answer this please: what is the limit of MRP grants a YB can get?

(Buzzer) Willy Ol’ Badak: I know! Exactly RM550,000!
Dyaks: Very sorry sir. Incorrect.
(Buzzer) Alfred Kepayang: Me next!
(Buzzer) Lee Han Joke: Me!
Dyaks: You may enter Lee Han Joke.
Lee Han Joke: Around a cool RM1 million?
Dyaks: Also incorrect sir.
Lee Han Joke: Ah!
Alfred Kepayang: Actually no limit at all. Keep few billionaires as your MRP funds ATM but give them airport, port projects at super-inflated price!!
Dyaks: Splendid sir. Correct!
Lee Han Joke: Note that boy!
Willy Ol’ Badak: Never knew got such big generous funds for a YB!
Alfred Kepayang: Welcome to BolehLand! Hahaha!

Dyaks: Ok folks. Last but not least, the final quiz. Look at the picture (slide of Che Guevara), who is that person?

(Buzzer) Lee Han Joke: I know!
(Buzzer) Willy Ol’ Badak: I got it first!
Dyaks: Ok Willy. Who is that person?
Willy Ol’ Badak: Che Guevara! Che Guevara!
Dyaks: Well…the answer is no. Incorrect sir.
Willy Ol’ Badak: That’s Che! I won!
Dyaks: Very sorry sir. You got it wrong.
Alfred Kepayang: Hmmm!
Dyaks: Lee Han Joke, your turn please.
Lee Han Joke: Looks like Che but…Jeez, who else got that moustache and beardos…? Asfia…no.
Alfred Kepayang: Asfia? Ha, Ha.
Dyaks: Let him answer, Alfred. Shhh.
Lee Han Joke: Arghh Jeez…Bruno Manser with beards? Oh hell, that’s Bruno Manser.
Dyaks: Sure? Final answer sir?
Lee Han Joke: Errr yes….hell here goes nothing. Bruno Manser with beards!
Dyaks: Sir, your answer is…incorrect. Terribly sorry.
Willy Ol’ Badak: Man this is tough!
Dyaks: OK Alfred, this is it sir. Winner takes all.
Alfred Kepayang: (Take a deep breath) Phew! Don’t mistaken with the beret hat because he also used to wear some cowboy hat so definately he is….Gabby Adit!
Dyaks: Gabby Adit, the Ngemah YB?
Alfred Kepayang: Yes he is, except with a bit more beardos!
Willy Ol’ Badak: Haha a Dayak revolutionaire!
Lee Han Joke: Yeah right, and Yang Dikasihi is our Dayak Fidel Castro!
Dyaks: CONGRATS sir! Alfred Kepayang is correct!
Alfred Kepayang: Wooh-Hooh! Wooh-Hooh! Holy mama!

Dyaks: So folks, here’s our first champion of Battle Of The Goons! Alfred Kepayang is the Top Goon! Stay tune for the next episode of Battle Of The Goons! See ya again soon!